I find it harder with each passing year to make Christmas magical. At what age did Christmas become a reluctant holiday instead of a happy one?
As a child who believed in Santa Claus until she was 11, Christmas was a day of surprises and excitement. My sister and I waited at the top of the stairs until my dad finished filming our untouched living room, filled with presents and anticipation. Then we galloped down the steps and turned the corner as my dad's camcorder captured our amazement. We rushed to the kitchen and Santa's empty plate of cookies was checked for crumbs of evidence of his presence (as if the gifts weren't proof enough). Wrapping paper was shredded to reveal a new Barbie doll or Lego set. Squeals of delight echoed downstairs as we ooh'd and ahh'd over our toys. Nothing seemed so perfect as the smiles on my parents' faces as they saw their girls rejoice over Santa's short visit.
It's difficult to remember the years in-between when I was old enough to know better but still young enough not to care. I think it was still all about the presents, at least until I went away to college. And then something changed. I saw Christmas as a time to reconnect with family and old friends. It wasn't about the material things, but rather the people who I took for granted all year long. It was time to celebrate our bonds and cherish the times we spent together. I think the four years I was away made me realize the meaning of Christmas everyone kept preaching about. It wasn't really an epiphany, per se, but it felt like I had discovered some privileged information. Something I often forget nowadays.
Now I struggle to keep the Christmas spirit alive. My grown-up eyes see everything a modern day Scrooge would point out. How do I push out negativity to make room for holiday cheer? I don't have the answer, but I'm certainly looking. Even if it seems the path is covered by a light dusting of snow. Maybe I'll be visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve. I hope one of them is the college self I strive to get back in touch with. I hope another shows me what I'm missing this year. And the last predicts two outcomes: how it will be and how it should be.
Let's hope I don't turn green and grow Seuss-feet.
Absolutely beautiful. A sky-blue window through the iris to a small part of the soul behind it. You describe a journey I think we've all taken, but that I would've had a great deal of trouble putting to words.
ReplyDeleteYou paint a picture of a pendulum's swing, with each great shift toward and away from the core spirit of the season being supported by the castoff momentum of the last, and I actually feel great hope in that illuminated fact. Because we're still in the middle of that pendulum's journey in rhythmic motion, not the ending nor the epilogue. And that means the pendulum has all the power to swing again, and potentially take you to the old, bright, joyous feelings you seek. They echo in my memory, too, like tinkling music across a cavern of ice. I want to find where it's coming from, too.
*sighs, smiles* Beautiful.
It took me some time to accept that Christmas, and the entire holiday season, could possess both the holiday spirit and the elements less so without compromising either.
ReplyDeleteYou see the videotapes of ravenous, wild masses surging through the doors of Target or Toys R Us and its hard to imagine that each one is just trying to find that one toy or item that will visibly make a loved one shake with glee - but it's true. Maybe people have always been this way, and it's just the consumer culture that has changed; both spouses work now, often for long hours, and so the window for shopping has condensed, along with the hours spent cooking holiday meals or taking great care to decorate every corner of the house.
Regardless, it's good to challenge the negative aspects of the season. We should strive to better, because we can be better. If you find a friend or loved one worrying that a gift isn't good enough, put a hand on their shoulder and remind them that love is all that matters. When you see that charity worker shivering in the cold, don't just slip a single into the pot, but also take the time to thank them for what they do.
For the first time, this year, I mailed out Christmas cards to friends and family. I even gave a card to our regular waitress at Ryan's, who we see every Friday when we take my grandparents out. And I found that, for the first time in years, I was really appreciating the Christmas season. And so I think it's true, what they say, about change starting from within.
I think consumerism can seriously hamper or eliminate the Christmas spirit when it goes too far. I, too, miss the childlike wonder of the season and the fun of opening new toys and gifts and watching the expressions on the faces of family members as they unwrapped what I had found for them.
ReplyDelete...but in the two years since my own college career ended, money has come to be more of a concern and I find myself at once dreading the expectations of the holiday and feeling guilty for not being able to join in. The fact is that in the past several years I really came to enjoy the search for the perfect gift for each family member and friend, and having to inform them that I had no money to spend on gifts was painful for me.
Both last year and this year, I managed to feel some holiday cheer and to improvise cheap or free handmade gifts for the people who mattered most, and was assured by the rest that none were needed. However, I understand how the changing perspective of adulthood seems to rob the holidays of its naive magic, and for that I join you in grieving and searching for new answers.